victemofsuicide's Blog

I want to move to the san francisco area, but i need a room mate. I don't think ill get much luck on here, but I thought it wouldn't hurt. So, if you're looking for a room mate please throw me a message. Off to work, everyone have a nice day.

I hate this.

Looking in the mirror, i turn away in discust

Screams fill my ears as I turn up the music to sound out the hate.

I close my eyes and feel my sorrows creeping on me,

its covering my ears,

flowing into my mouth and leaving no room to breath out my nose.

leeking into soul,

its takeing over.

the stench of this horror,

the stench.

the stench

of-myself.

no more, as i say to myself over and over.

each day. no more.

but it still comes,

my soul vomits into pools of evil.

releasing itself into a forest of broken roads.

no more

no more

no more

no more.

The Chair sat by the table,

The Chair sat alone on the ramp,

The Chair sat in the dark,

The Chair, didn't move.

Rusted and red,

broken and unkept,

bruised and torn,

The Chair sat alone.

Not to be seen, or even touched,

this Chair, this old Chair.

Cobwebs and songs,

songs of a rose.

A dead rose in a beer can.

A glass bottle,

covered in wax. Dried, dead, wax.

A spider.

All hope is lost.

Sing

to

me. The Chair falls.

Scream.

A tree with nubs, leaves, sway in the wind. NO MORE!

eyes. See to much, not enough?

I thought so. The Chair thought so.

Layered with dust.

Sprinkled with hate.

Stabbed, with love.

The Chair.

flowers don't HELP no more.

NO MORE

sing

to

Chair. I fall.

Broke? Fix-NO!

Hello? Good bye?

So soon. So soon. So soon.

The Chair

is gone.

I am clean of pills, like I believe I have mentioned. A big step for me. But....now i find myself crushing an oxy. But the feeling is so great, i havent even snorted yet. But getting out all my instraments brings me back. My med bottle with my little straw in it, i used to carry it around like a baby. Then my spoon, still in my cup for my pens and shit. The only thing I need to make this complete would be my lib card, but im not sure where that is. :( Im just going to use my state id. Hehe. But, while I was crushing it (10mg) I felt somthing, and it brought me back to the good days. Well, let me refrase that, the "fun" days. But, they were really fun.

To make this even more of a trip down memorie lane, I got so cocked last night. Stayed up until about 6. Got up around 7, came home and slept till 5:30 this evening. Now my day is starting with this. Yes. I have to say, I really do love this. Not that I would want it to be like this, but honestly if I had a job right now, I would be making this an every day thing. I dont think that I would be able to say no. I was clean until someone held out that pill.

Should I feel like a failure? But, its making me really happy. Isnt that my long term goal? Im not sure, i dont want to make this more complicat then it already is. I just want to sit down, smell the "roses" and relax.

What Have I become? Or, is this just me?

As I sit in my room smoking a bowl and blaring Phish as loud as my speakers can go, I look upon my room. Then I realize how much im going to miss this room. This is a perfect moment. The dim lights, with my blinds half way down. The window fan blowing the thick smoke out of my room along wiht the sheets at the bottom of my door left me in a peaceful room where i feel most safe. This room, my room, holds so many memories; from the time i was getting a's and b's in middle school, to the time i was crushing up pills in high school; or the time I was really drunk and fighting with Paul to the time i was peacefully talking to him online; from the time me and Alexis laughed our asses off (we were so baked) to the time, the most wonderful time...this second. Its so beautiful. I dont drink a lot anymore, and i dont do pills anymore. I just want to note that, im only smokeing pot now. Anyway, I just, everything is so beautiful right now. My room is so neat, im really enjoying this. I have these clothes taht are on my ceiling from forign countries, they have werid crazy designs. (Aug 2007: london, paris, africa-cameroon) Now im just babling. I think I might go to the bathroom, then maybe take a nap. I have to remember to blow out them candles. And I need to prepare to pack another bowl. Hmmm.....Ill go do something.

I just went to the bathroom and blew out my candles....now, i think Im going to enter this and take a nap. That sounds really good.

Sorry for including every little detail. Im kinda bored....teehe. But basically, its starting to hit me harder taht Im moving to Texas. And its just really helping me take a second look at what I most love and value. I have realize there are some good people who I didnt realize who were so important to me. I really love this room. I dont think I have ever been this, THIS peaceful.  Anywho, now im just rambling on and on. Im signing out.

Thank you to all who listen.

I'm sitting here listening to King for a day by Green Day. And I thought to myself, I havn't bloged on EP latly. So, here I am again. I been at work the past month. I'm currently working for VYCC. We do work like landscaping and such. I'm on my 2week break, which ends in a couple days! I'm so excited to be back living outside and working my butt off. I just love it. Speaking of being outside, I was thinking of maybe putting a picture up here of me camping. Me and my friends love to camp. We have this really nice site that we did ourselves. Well, mainly me and Jason did it all. Its called Camp Chimmichunga. It was established about a year ago, but was just finished last week. We got 2 really big fire pits up there, one to cook on, the other to just chill by; and we got this really nice tent like thing that we built. One side is branches leaning up against our lil pole do-dad taht we had made. The other side is just a tarp. Its enough room for about 2 people on each side. Its raked so well, I dont even wear shoes up there. Nice soft duff. Hehe. Its also a nice hike up there. About 15 min up hill, not to long. But it deff breaks a sweat when you got your bag. I love it up there. I might be bring some of my other friends up there, but im not sure. There will be a lot of us and there is chances of rain storms and I dont know how comfortable people are with getting wet. So, I think we might just stay in civilization tonight. Probably sleep in a tent. Either way, I think its going to be a lot of fun. Oh, I'm sorry to skip to different subjects like this....but it's official taht I will be movine out before I am 18. A little bit after my 17 birthday, I will be moving to Texas with my boyfriend. I cant wait. It might be a little tougher not being with the mother, but I think Ill be ok. I got my head on my shoulders pretty well. I was reading over my previous blogs, and I feel like I have changed since then. Which wasnt that long ago. I mean in a good way too. I know im only 16 and such, but I feel like I found more peace in myself that I had already been aware of. And it feels great. Any who, enough of me reflecting. I'm in the mood to read some stories.....

So, I was having lunch with one of my really good friends. She has taught me so much. Anywho, not that it matters, but she is 62. And like I said, she is one of my closest most dearest friends. So, we were talking. And I wasn't sure how we ended upon this topic, but we were talking about being young and growing older. And I said something that made her tear up. I said, "I'm afraid to grow up." then she asked me why. I continued and told her, "Becuase I know myself right now. And I realy like myself where I am. And I dont ever want to lose myself. " The part where I had said taht I dont ever want to lose myself is what really had got her. Im not sure why, but Im hoping that when im older and look back on this I will realize why she had cryed.

I watch from a distance.

As I read your eyes, I learn you aren't the one for me.

I realize, I am the one for me.

And as I snicker at your foolish ways, I know that life is good.

I look at a tree, and watch the leaves flicker in the wind.

While I squint at the sun, I notice that life ain't so bad after all.

And I turn around, looking in the mirror, puzzled by the reflection,

It seems as though life is dead.

Then I think of the tree, then I think

of you.

And thank you for making me who I am today.

The pain was all worth it.

The pain-it was-all worth it.

I have one of the koolest friends in the world. Today I realized how much I really do love her. She realized the sec that she saw me(I go over there everyday) that I wasn't doing so good. So, she made me go out and do stuff. She has 3 kids, and I love them to death. It made me so happy to be around her and her kids. They're 9months, 2, and 4. I'm just so happy I have them all in my life. They make me smile so much and make me forget about how much I think I am unworthy. They're part of the reason why I have stopped doing so many drugs and drinking. They have made me a better person, and even though I don't see myself truly loving life anytime soon how I would like to, they help me slowly get to that point. I also had a moment, with her eldest, the other day when he wasn't feeling to well he had started to puke and I rushed him over to the trash can; and even though he was puking it was a moment for me. I truly felt the love that I had for that kid, all I wanted to do was to hold him until he was better. I have never felt that before like that. It's a little hard to explain, but her kids mean so much to me. And her middle child, who is about 2 said my name! Lol. It just had made my day. Alyiah. She is such a cutie. I love it when I pick her up and she just latches on. It makes me feel so special. And those kids are a handful, and my friend is a young mother. So, one night she was having a hard day, so I had her come over(we live across from eachother) and we just talked. I wasn't sure how much help I had been, but then a couple days after that, she told me that talking to me that day has made her feel so much better everyday. She said, "I actually want to get up in the morning now. I get up and smile. " Thats not exactally what she said, but it was pretty similar. And hearing her say that, since I care so much for her just makes me feel soo much better. I would do anything for her. It makes me happy inside to care for her, I don't know. It's werid. Hard to explain. I'm not even sure if I'm making sence. Hehe.

Another thing that made me feel better was that earlier I left a confession, and someone had told me that they're always there to listen. And just that makes me feel cared for. It makes me feel not so alone, which most of the time I always feel alone. I'm really content with life right now, and it feels sooo damn great. I just hope it's the same when I wake up. It's hard though, I mean, I have thought a certain way for a long time, and I feel like I can't just break out of it. You know? But reflecting on today, I feel like I'm slowly getting to that happy place. I must sound like a nut, but I feel better about myself right now. I'm not sure how long it will last, but I want to enjoy it while I can. But...on the other hand....I'm so dang tired. I ran around a lot today, I have no energy what so every. Ugg. And that bed looks so damn good.

Before I close this, I just want to give a really big thank you too all of you that take your time to listen to me. It means so much more then I can say. And like I said before, those little comments really do make my day. Well, I'ma put shiela to rest, and do the same for myself.

PS- I think "they" (as in who ever puts words in the dictionary) should put "I'ma" in the dictionary. I use it so much, I almost convince myself that it's really a word sometimes.

Good night everyone!

I always thought taht life wasn't bad, but I'm starting to realize taht it really fucking sucks. Sometimes i just want to end it all.

My cousin and my older brother are joining the national guard. Hearing them talk about it, hearing all this good stuff makes me want to check it out more. I am a lil against it all, i hate war. But they give back sooo much. Im not greedy, its just that it feels like its my only chance to make something of myself. I mean, im only 16, but still....and I won't be able to join but there are still things I can do and get some benifits. If I do go through with it, I won't get my money or whatever they give you until I am 18.

I was just wondering, if anyone reads my blogs, if they have any experience in the guard that they would like to share with me??

My cousin will be taking me to an event where I learn all about the guard, I guess you get some free stuff, but I could care less if I do. Well, I could use a new bag for when I go camping in a few weeks. Any who, so...does anyone want to share something with me that I might find useful??

I feel like I have a whole bunch of thoughts in my head, but when I come to write this, nothing comes out. Ugg. So, heres the situation. Me and my best friend like eachother, I have liked him for a while. (even though i just broke up with someone, i felt to unhappy with it, and realized that the only time that I do get excited about something is when I know that I will be hanging out with this bestfriend of mine) So, we were just hanging out and we had sex. Idk, it felt a lil aucward (sp?) But he is so damn adorable with his clothes off, one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen. So, before I left I asked him if he would date with me. I feel sooo happy about it, but at the same time, idk. Its just a lil werid, maybe because Im so used to viewing him as my bestfriend? Im not sure. Kissing him was werid to, he hardly used any tounge, lol. At times I just felt like I was sticking my tounge into a whole, well, I sorta was; but you know what I mean? Idk, maybe it's just me. But that's my story.

Before all this happened, I went to one of my really really good friends' son's apt with her. She has 3 kids, the oldest(her boy) is 4, then she has 2 lil girls, 2yrs and 9months. I love them all, they are such great kids. Well, he son had an eye apt today, and I tagged along taking the baby while we left the older girl at day care. We could have taken her, but we figured if we could leave her at day care for a lil longer it would be easier. Suprisinly, her boy did very well. Though he was very tired and cranky, he listened and did what he was told. A surpirse because it's rare that he does. But he's an awesome kid. My friend also has panic attacks, so it's good that I went with her today. I had fun though. I love her baby. I know im really young, but I really want one of my own. Ugg. I can't be ready, Im only 16. But I really want one! I think I would be a great mom. Im not a troubled kid at all, I seem to have my head on my shoulders. I think I would be the best teenage mother ever! I want a boy and name him James Douglas, after Jim Morrison. I love Jim, one of my heros. You know, I went to his grave in Paris last year, it was amazing. Though it was soo hot that day, and very hard to find. I eventually bumped into a group of people that were also looking for it, and 2 hours of first getting to the cemetary(which is huge) I had finally found it. I was so happy, I almost cryed. Just looking at it, it was so beautiful. Ok, I dont want to get all emotional! But Jim is the one person that I feel most connected to. Even though I will never meet him, I still feel this spiritual bond. Call me crazy, but I speak my thoughts. I'm not werid, Im interesting. :)

Well, I better be getting to bed. Getting up around 5:30 so I can get my coffee in time for the 6am news. Then I'll go back to bed around 9ish till about 11ish, and thats where my day will really start. I'll do the dishes(which I do every day since I like with 3slobs), and I'll start on the laundry. While the laundry is going, I will take my shower. After that, I will go over to my friends house(the one with the 3 kids) and just chill with her and her kids. Around 9ish-10ish, My bestfriend/boyfriend will come home from work. I will chill with him till about midnight, then come home. Sit on my comp, and then later go to bed. The next morning it will all happen again. Most days is like this, its not boring. I like it. I mean, i go to the same places around the same time, but i do diff stuff. Idk, I love it. But, thats my life! Lol. Kinda plain, it shouldn't be cuz im young, but it is. Ok, well, Ima shut up now and get my ass in bed. Night everyone!

I feel at peace, when i sit down to watch the 6 oclock news, sip on my warm coffee, and smoke my cigg. Im not sure how to explain it, but if you look at this specific tree outside my window, you can see on one of the branches where this squirel rests and spends his days because some of the bark has been torn off some how; about 8 oclock I should see him. Every morning, and latly there is another squirle that tags along. I want to provide a home for someone one day.

Weather its a friend who needs a place to go, or a lil mini me....or, even just a pet. One of the few things I want in life, is to make someone feel loved.

American Idol-ugg. And so many other 'reality' shows, make no sence. Though some of them, I will admit, can keep you occupiede. But it comes along with unecassary thoughts.

Gas is rediculas. I know that someone has figured out a really really sucsessful alternative, but goverment has forced who ever to keep it a secret. That's what's in my head.....hehe. Goverment likes to hide a lot of things, we're not who we were oginanally ment to be. I don't want to sound like one of those freaks that carry 'the end is near' signs while shouting words on the street, but I do feel that, the end is near. Maybe not for a while, but I definatly feel its in my life time. I don't think that my kids will have kids. Ok, now Im just babling.

15 people died of a tornatou.

Im not feeling at much peace anymore right now.

"All you need to do is look around and you can see the devistation"-Dave, the news man.

I look at myself in the mirror.

Yes, Dave, devistation.

So last night I watched American Gangster with my bestfriend and my current crush. It had taken us almost the whole week to watch this movie since we always watch it at night, and he always falls alseep! I don't want to sound like a creep or anything, but he looks so cute when he sleeps. Lol. So, the movie ended and I was still awake, but like I said, he was sleeping. And I usually wake him up before i leave, but i decided to shut off all the lights and the tv, lock the door and leave him peacefully sleeping. Soon, we are going to go to wal mart, and he is going to get his mother a gift for mothers day, which is tomorrow.

I wish I could buy my mom something pretty, but it's hard when you don't have a job. Ugg, my mom really deserves more. I could sell drugs, but that's illeagal. Don't want to get into trouble.

I have sold before, aderal and ritalin. But that's it, and I won't do it again. I stopped with the pills, i still smoke everyonce and a while. Pots not bad if you're smart about it. But it's hard latly to find it, since a lot of ppl are begining to be wired in this town. See, I usually find it for people, since my friends know where to get it, and then when I find it, the person who i find it for smokes me up. So, thats how i get it. :)

Today, I am also going with my mentor. See, when i was younger, about 10, my mother thought that I needed another parent figure like. She felt that she couldnt be there as much as I needed. So, we went throught this program, and I was matched up with one of my current bestfriends. Shes awesome. Im not sure what we are doing today, but Im sure it will be fun. I got to email her to tell her to come later, since im going to wal mart.

O, back to this dude. See, hes really cool. And i really want to date him. I think it would be so prefect. But he just broke up with his gf, they were only dating a couple weeks. And i just broke up with my bf of 6months. So, im not going to ask him yet. But i think it would be sooo awesome. He knows that I like him, so Im not sure if he likes me back. If he did, wouldnt he ask me out? Or is it because we just broke up with out last mates? idk. I guess I just have to wait it out.

Heres something else.

I dont know shit about pregnacy. But the last time I had my pd, it was really heavy, and it ususlly lasts more then a week. But this time, me and my ex(while we were dating) had unprotected sex while I was still on my pd. The next day, it had all of a suddon just stopped. And it was really heavy. So he put it in my head that its because im prego, but im not sure. I don't think he knows much about that stuff either, so I guess I just have to wait. But thats my current longtimeish worrie.

Hmm....Im not sure if there is anything else to say....

I guess maybe I have a boring life. Lol.