victemofsuicide's Blog

I'm losing myself. I'm not using as bad as I was, but I'm still using again. I just can't see to stop. I have plenty of support from friends of AA, a lot of support from my sober boyfriend. I go to meetings everyday. I decided I need the extra help, there is a bed ready for me at a rehab near where I live. I want to get my shit together. I'm so proud of Todd (my boyfriend), he's staying sober. Doing his groups, keeping up with F.S.U, going to meetings, and he just started his new job yesterday. Hes so good to me. No matter how bitchy I am, no matter how angrey I get, his arms seem to always be open for hugs. But, I'm trying to be nicer. Last week, I found an eyelash on his cheek. I said, make a wish, and if you really, really mean it, it will come true. He wrote it down. Yesterday, I went with him to drop him off at work (his first day). I was really excited for him. Got up really early with him, made his lunch. It was a first prize girlfriend day for me. Well, I don't know why he gave it to me. It really did make me feel horriable, and that I should be better to him. He gave me the little piece of paper with his wish saying, ' I wish you would be nice to me today. " I realized then, just how much I,  *clears throught*, am falling for him. Getting off subject. I'm excited to work on 'me', but nervous and a little fearfull. I can do this.

I really do hope everyone is doing well. Sorry I just up and disappeared.

Sober for 3 days. And hopefully "counting." It doesn't feel good, but I know it'll get better with time.

http://dreamthin-secret.blogspot.com/

Today is my 1st day sober.

I'm fat. I'm so fat. I can't take it, I'm going to start starving myself. Yea, theres my big fucking secret, I'm going to starve myself. No more food! Fuck!

I totally wasted my sucessful days of being sober when I got wasted last night. I got the worst hang  over ever. I'm not sure I can do this. Fuck.

It's my 6th day sober. March 20 is the day when I said, the day when I really meant, and is the day when I planned a life without drugs. 

So, if you have read my past blogs, you know that i got revoked from probation and now do work crew. Work crew is an alternative to jail. If I miss a day, i go to jail. Well, i slept all day thurs, so i missed workcrew. I've been waiting for a police officer to come knocking on my door. Im not freaking out as much as i would if i was sober. i've been doing the ritalin im supposed to be selling so we can make ends meet. But no one wants this shit, they want opiates. And thats what i want too. and i really wanna chill with people today, ive been trying all day. jay is at work, and, since we're on the subject, if you have read my blog you know that  we have a history. we've dated in the past, since i was lilke 12 or 13 we've had this thing for eachother. Ok, so, well, we first met when I was like 10, he must have been like 11, or 12. I don't remember what our friendship was like then, i just recently rememberd taht i've know him since then.anyways, we dated for almost a year back in middle school. then i went to a private school in pa for alike a year. I came back, we became great fiends. for example, back in highschool when i got caught all fucked up on drugs, they knew he was the one doing them with me cuz we were always at hip to hip. Through out the years, we would try to date, always at the wrong time. it never worked out. when i was with paul, we became very distant cuz paul ddint like him. so, just recently, back in jan when i got out of rehab we clicked again. as if it ws the old days, but he treated me like he was into me. we didnt have sex, but we cuddled a lot. for weeks we were so into eachother, i told him i wanted to be with him, and then he just disappeared for like 2 months. Last week, we were going to hang out, and I told him i wanted to talk to him about that whole thing from back in jan. He ditched me. Today, he said he would hang out, and i told him that I still wanted to talk to him about it. Well, he never called. He ditched me again. I was standing out on the pourch smoke a cigaret with my family (it ws really nice out today, i was able to wear a dress!) sanyways, it dawned on me, maybe he keeps ditching me cuz  i said i wanna talk to him about it. so, i pulled my brother aside, me him and jay have had our times when we were like the 3 muskateers. so, since, he also knows jay, a little better then i do, and since he knows how a guys thinks, i asked him what he thinks jay is thinking im going to say to him. I mean, im going to say, that, i thought that i wanted to be with him, but really, i was confused with my feelings. and that i really dont want to be with him, i just want to be friends with him like the old days. I mean,in my history of the people i have become close with, hes deff in the top 3. and I want that again, i dont want to be with him. so, when i was talking to ching ling, my brother, he said taht jays probably thinking im going to say the opposite. so, he told me, next time i talk to him and tell him that i wanna talk about that incident, to tell him that what he thinks i wanna tell him is the opposite of what he thinks im going to tell him.  Im coming off of ritalin right now, so, i might repeat myself a lot. Any ways, back to what i was talking about....i called my friends boyfreind, and asked if i could chill with all them, him, his girl and his friend always are chilling. I've been chilling with them the past couple days, and i have had lots of fun. So, i called, to see if i could just chill. I mean, ok, heres some more history. And, I usually dont give out real names on this blog, but today...i will. so, Alexis, my bestfriend. we have been best friends since i was like 8 or something. I mean, shes more then my bff, we;re like emotional lovers, childhood friends, and drug buddies. I dont get to see her much cuz shes usually with chris, her bf (the one i called). so when we get to chill, im always excited. and then theres matt, we've known eachother since before highschool. We're deff drug buddies. the only time we've chilled is at parties or soemthing to do with drugs. So, we were all chilling these past couple days, stayed up for 2 days on kalonapin and ritalin, great mix. anyways, i felt, sweet, this might be what i've been missing, which is a group of friends. Which, i've lost because of a mix of winter depression and drugs. anyways, yea,so, matt gave me one the best comliments ever, last night, it happened to come up, partying. He said, loud and clear, "dude, this chick right here, nickey, shes fucking awesome to party with" i havent partyed in a long time. Anyway, matt and i, i feel, we clicked. Like, in a friend way. So, i called chris, and asked if i could chill with them for a bit, and he gave excuses, liek theres not enough room in the car, they have to go to clarmont to pick up matts check. bla bla bla, so, obviously they didnt want to chill with me. And it sucks, Im here, alone, really want to chill with people. I think i might cry. ill just do some more drugs.

I sat down today, buried my face in my hands and groaned that I needed drugs. I just really really, almost to the point where it felt like it was more of a physical matter rather then just feeding my habit. I must have wished really hard, today I ended up getting a perk 20, and a 10 sack. It was such a release. I mean, i can't even describe it. It was as if all this tenson, all this depression, and worry, simply everything that has been bothering me lately just seemed to disappear, and satisfaction took its place. I mean, I didn't get a lot of anything, but it was really nice to have something. Tomorrow is going to be even luckier, Im getting a whole script. Jeez, what is wrong with me. I'm feeling really good, but, listening to myself, i feel I let myself down. Shit. Oh well, it could be worse.

Am I ok?

I feel like I have something to say, I just don't know what it is. I feel like there's something missing, I just don't know what it is. I feel, I feel something, and I dont know what it is.

The leaves stir, a magical circle beneath my nake feet.

the trees woe to me, speaking in a low tone of yesteryears wishes.

Wishes, a thought none of reality.